We want the best for our children; we want them to feel loved and accepted and to grow up feeling empowered. Sometimes we fall into the same patterns and ways in which we were raised, even though we are trying not to, or we choose a parenting style which is the complete opposite to how we were brought up. The reality is that our children might not feel accepted or empowered even in the most “ideal” childhood and this is due to their perception of what’s happening to themselves. In understanding the fundamentals of how a child operates and what they need, however, can help you to create a space where your child can grow up into an emotionally stable, happy child no matter what basic parenting style you adopt.

Children need to be respected, accepted, acknowledged and listened to. They need affection, boundaries, honesty, patience, forgiveness, encouragement, openness, love and they need secure, happy parents. Children also need to have fun and often teach us adults how to have fun again. Children need the freedom to explore their environment and to have a certain amount of choice in things that they wish to experience.

Our emotional state of being as parents can determine how we parent. If we feel guilty for not picking up the children on time or for working late, then we give in when boundaries need to be set. If a child senses that a parent is trying to please them, they become demanding and frustrated and they play on that emotion. If a parent is not sure of how to set a boundary or even whether to set a boundary, the child will feel this and manipulate this insecurity against the parent. Some parents have come to me with certainty that they are putting down boundaries, but internally are wavering as to whether it is the right thing to do, or whether there isn’t a better way to do it, and the child senses this and manipulates this uncertainty.

Children like to know that their parents have got the reins, so that they can enjoy the ride. They need to know that there are consequences to their actions and through setting boundaries they can flex those muscles which help them to intellectualise and grasp their reality.

We cannot always please a child and children will not always be happy. There has to be the negative with the positive to keep things in balance, but know that you as a parent can create a space where your child can excel and grow in ways you never before imagined.

Basic guidelines for an emotionally secure, happy child:

1.    Be secure in yourself as a parent.
2.    Give lots of love and affection.
3.    Provide lots of individual attention (remember its quality not quantity).
4.    Listen respectfully to your child.
5.    Allow your child to release pent up tension, stress and feelings.
6.    Make sure your needs are met as a parent, find support when needed.
7.    Be honest with your child. They know when you are lying.
8.    Use non-authoritarian discipline i.e. smacking and shouting.
9.    Set boundaries when needed.
10.  Listen to your “heart” as a parent, your child will feel when you are honouring your truth.

Remember that you are doing the best you can as a parent at all times and as your child grows, so do you.